If you played the video game Alien Isolation you will know that you cannot just fight the alien stalking you throughout the ship. Point your gun at it and you're dead in seconds. The only way to survive is to notice it, learn how it moves, and this will be your best chance surviving.
A lot of men go to online counselling having spent years trying to shoot down a much quieter monster using nothing but nice and encouraging words about themselves. But this leads them to a dead end.
You may have tried it already.
Standing in front of the mirror telling yourself you're doing fine, you've got this, you're enough. While some other part of you quietly telling you, you are a fucking failure.
That gap between what you're saying and what you actually believe, is why self affirmation, most times than not, are a waste of time. The reason those affirmations fail is why men may end up in counselling, although they will think they're there for something completely different.
Ready to stop fighting the voice and start understanding it instead. Book your first session.
What self affirmations are meant to do?
The pitch is everywhere. On apps, in books or on some bloke's Instagram post about his morning routine.
Repeat a positive statement enough times and your brain supposedly rewires itself around it. Now, don’t get me wrong. There's a grain of truth in there somewhere, repetition can shape belief over time. But it only works if the other parts of your self already, at least, half agree with what you're saying. For a lot of men dealing with depression, that's exactly the part that's missing. This is why saying the words louder or more often doesn't help and can actually make things worse.
The depressed part of you is the one calling you a fucking failure.
Why positive words don't change the actual problem?
The affirmations aren’t necessarily wrong. The problem is that you aim at the wrong target. Whatever is hiding underneath the reason you feel the way you feel doesn’t exist in your conscious mind, where all those fancy words can reach it.
There's actually a good amount of psychological research on how people with low self esteem who repeated positive self affirmations actually felt worse afterwards, not better.
This happens mainly because the beliefs about your self and the world around are still the same. At a subconscious level, you still believe you are a fraud and not good about anything. And what happens at a subconscious level is the part of you that runs the show, doesn’t matter how loudly you shout those affirmations.
Positive self talk doesn't work when it's arguing against a part that has had years to build its case. Sometimes it didn’t even form during your early years, sometimes the sense of low self esteem runs deep into our family’s DNA.
What it actually sounds like in your head?
For some men it's not dramatic. It doesn't make its presence know with a funfair. It states things flatly, like it's reading off a list it's kept on you for years. You're worthless. You'll never do anything with your life. You'll never achieve anything worth two fucks. So you try to tell your self that you are capable, but that same flat voice has three examples ready of the time you weren't. Every affirmation you throw at it just gives it something new to argue with, which is why trying to think positive when you're depressed can leave you feeling further behind than when you started.
What is the true cost of living like this?
Plenty of men carry this completely alone. You see your kids at weekends, you hold it together the rest of the time, and there's rarely an obvious moment to say any of this out loud, or anyone you trust enough to say it to. So it stays quiet, and this quietness is exactly what lets it grow. It never gets challenged by anything tangible, only by words you don't believe, which do nothing except confirm, once again, that even trying doesn't work.
That's a very lonely place to exist, and it feeds the low mood rather than lifting it.
Why counselling can actually help you?
Counselling is not about finding the right words that will change everything.
The first step is to notice that voice from the depths of the subconscious instead of arguing with it or believing it. Right now you're probably do one or both of either taking it as fact or burning energy trying to argue it into silence, and both keep you locked in a losing battle.
You need a different battle plan.
Start by just acknowledging it. This will help you to change how you relate to it without you having to defeat it in an argument. From there you can get curious rather than convinced or combative. When does it show up? What sets it off? Whose voice does it actually sound like?
This last question usually matters more than people expect and it’s one of my most used question when I work with someone. Because this voice didn’t magically appear, it was usually handed to you by someone who decided you needed toughening up before anyone else got the chance to disappoint you or they were carrying their own demons and as the failed to deal with them, they passed them down to you.
Counselling isn't about writing better affirmations, it's about understanding from where this voice is coming from and is trying to protect you from, so it can finally stop working overtime for a threat that isn't there anymore.
In it’s own twisted way, that voice is actually wants you to be safe and thrive, but is trying to do its job in the most unhelpful way. This why, in counselling we are not just trying to kill this part to make to shut up. We want to make it to feel heard, and turn in from a torturer into an advisor.
If you're reading this about someone else
Maybe you're not here for yourself, maybe you're trying to understand a partner, a mate, or your dad. Please don't hand them a list of affirmations, it'll land the same way it does for everyone else, hollow.
Don't argue him out of what he believes about himself either, this will just prove his point that nobody gets it. The most useful thing you can do is to notice things out loud without trying to fix them. ‘This was quite a rough thing to hear saying’ and let him know you're around if he wants company rather than solutions. He's not going to simply think his way out of this one.
If you want to find out where this voice actually comes from. Book your first session with me.
George Papachristodoulou — Qualified Psychotherapist
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do positive affirmations make me feel worse instead of better?
This usually happens when the affirmation contradicts a belief you already hold in your subconscious. Rather than replacing the negative belief, it highlights the gap between what you're saying and what you actually believe, which can make the original belief feel more true, not less.
Why can't I just think positive when I'm depressed?
Depression isn't a mindset problem you can talk yourself out of with the right words. The negative belief usually sits underneath conscious thought, so positive statements aimed at the surface rarely reach what's actually driving the low mood.
Can counselling actually help with a harsh inner voice?
Yes. Counselling gives you the space to understand where that voice came from and to change your relationship with it, rather than trying to argue it away or out affirm it by yourself.